With trembling hands I closed the door of the small bathroom, sank to the floor and dissolved into tears. How could I go on? How did this happen? This is not the way it is supposed to be….Christians marry Christians and live happily ever after, don’t they?

I buried my face in my hands and thought of all that had transpired for my boys and me: my husband’s fits of rage, broken chairs, broken promises, and broken hearts. What was I to do? He was a preacher, and if I shared the abuse I was suffering, many would be discouraged to discover that the person they looked to for encouragement was not who he appeared to be. To them he was Dr. Jekyll; to us he was Mr. Hyde. Exposure could subject my family to even more pain. Our very livelihood was tied to his reputation with the church and the community. If I exposed him I would risk everything, wouldn’t I? I began to pray, “Please God free me from this persecution. I need your help. I need your direction. I don’t know what to do, and I can’t take much more.” Would it ever end or was I to live like this for the rest of my life?

That was sixteen years ago. Sadly, my husband did not repent, and chose to abandon the Lord for another woman. I sit quietly in peace now as I look back on that awful time in my life.  It did end, and God brought us through it. There is so much more to tell, but space does not allow it, and my focus is to give you hope; hope and a stronger faith in God’s great hand of guidance and abiding love.

My eyes fill with grateful tears now as I think of how God was and still is my Provider and Defender. I struggled at one time with questions of why He allowed such suffering, but I would not be able to write the same words of encouragement to you now if I had not had those experiences. I learned from Job, that God allowed him to hurt in an unimaginable way, and recorded his story for the ages to help us understand life, loss and God’s great love. Satan meant it for harm, but God meant it for good—Job’s and ours. What if Job had cursed and abandoned God? He would have suffered for nothing, and would have truly lost everything.

What are you to do if your spouse victimizes you? God gave us the answers in His book.  Begin with prayer and self-examination. Immerse yourself in scripture. Jesus overcame Satan in the wilderness in Matthew 4 by quoting God’s word. It is your lifeline—start with Proverbs 3:5-8 and Psalm 121. Here are some other truths to embrace:

Do what is right. Determine, with God’s help, that you will remain blameless. You must be the spouse God charged you to be regardless of the circumstances. That was the vow you made before God. Peter describes how Jesus submitted in the face of unjust suffering in

1 Pet.2:21-24, and says wives are to submit to their husbands “in the same way. (3:1).”  1 Pet. 3:13-18 likewise describes how Christians are to react under persecution. There is no place for retaliation. God cannot help you if you join in with sin, and you will need His help (1 John 3:22)!

Tell others. Put Matt.18:15-18 into practice. If your spouse won’t listen to you, go to the elders; expose the sin (Gal.6:1). If you don’t have elders, contact other mature Christians—perhaps a husband and wife—that can help you. If your spouse threatens you or forbids you to reveal the abuse, you must do it anyway! If he still refuses to repent, go before the church. Your focus is to save not only yourself and your family, but also his soul (Jude 23; Prov.26:26). Sin held in secret will only get worse (read that again!).

Keep safe. If your spouse still won’t respond to your pleas, use the law to protect your safety. Many states have domestic violence laws that provide immediate or near-immediate help.  This is a logical consequence for the abuser. When he chooses the behavior, he chooses the consequences. You didn’t do it to him, he did it to himself (Gal.6:7). You may have to remind yourself of that, often. Proverbs 19:19 says, “A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again.”

There is a caution here, however. If consequences require separation, be aware of your accountability to God and your spouse. Read 1 Cor.7: 5, 10-11, and Matt.19:4-9. Regardless of what our law and culture promotes or authorizes, God says the only cause for divorce is adultery.  If your goal is eternity with God, trust Him and His Word. If He can provide you eternal salvation, He can get you through this.

Place your confidence in the Lord. Remind yourself that the Lord is with you. Paul tells us that if we seek Him we will find Him because He is not far from any of us (Acts 17:27).  James tells us to draw near to God, and God will draw near to us (James 4:8). In the worst of times, I would picture the Lord at my side with His hand on my shoulder. He watches over you!  He died for you! He was resurrected for you! Scripture records that Christ is sitting on the right hand of God (Matt.26:64; Mark 16:9), but when the innocent Stephen was suffering at the hands of persecutors in Acts 7:56, Christ wasn’t sitting; He was standing! He watches and cares and knows exactly what you’re going through. Call on Him. He is your Protector and Defender, and He will deliver you. David writes in Psalms 27:1, “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life: of whom shall I be afraid?”

Take courage and take the action God has prescribed. Trust His promises, and remember….“If God is for us, who can be against us (Rom. 8:31)?” Do you really believe that?  If you do, you can be transformed from victim to victor.